How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
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Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.