[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
secret recipe
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.