wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
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My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Clients after you give them your rates
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”