All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Is fake venison called venisn’t
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Me trying to walk in a dream
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
fly smarter, not harder
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.