every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
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You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)