[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
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Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna