You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
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Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Y’all ready for this
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick