And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
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Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
brian had himself a morning…
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality