FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
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I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Spider-cat: No One Home
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.