Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
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Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I just love that new Pope smell.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude