Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
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Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
channeling her this year