elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
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“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs