Sorry. Not sorry
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shut up and take my money
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.