Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
This is the one
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.