As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
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” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks