The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days