Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
You Might Also Like
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
That lamp looks PISSED.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour