I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible