God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
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Investing in beetcoin
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
twitter users today:
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯