The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
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Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
This is the best one I’ve seen
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Auto correct is my worst enema.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare