I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
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mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.