I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
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Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”