‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
You Might Also Like
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar