doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
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My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?