Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack