God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
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Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.