[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
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My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
#CoronaOutbreak
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”