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Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW