Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
You Might Also Like
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?