I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
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When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My typo game is string.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Pot warmers of the day.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours