Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
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no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Just how popey was the pope today?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.