In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
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welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM