That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
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getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles