[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
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masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.