ok this is my dumbest yet
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[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order