All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
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Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.