Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
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Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I need a headline like this
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W