“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
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Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
🙀🙀🙀😹
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back