me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms