*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
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Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..