Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.