Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
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I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water