these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
wut hotdog?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*