2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
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Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.