Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
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If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
me when the borders lift