Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
You Might Also Like
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
But that’s none of my business
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.