If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
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My hips? Compulsive liars.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Festive toon…
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit