Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
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My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
God has abandoned us.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I’d … I’d rather not.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
What I say and what I mean are three different things.