Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
You Might Also Like
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.