The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
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[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Tastes like chicken.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.